It's a dog's life

Language level: lower-intermediate

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I  thought that the Italians were a little crazy, then I went to America for work. To be precise, Los Angeles.? My friend Mark, who lives there, took me to Hollywood to show me around.?

“This is where Johnny Depp lives, this is where Michael Jackson died,” he said.? “STOP!” I said. There, right in front of me, was a place I had to see. It was a bakery for dogs!? Who cares about Johnny Depp and Michael Jackson?! I wanted to see inside that shop. ?It was full of cakes and bread for dogs! But the incredible thing is that there was a wedding cake! ?“Dogs can marry here,” Mark told me proudly (he’s American).? Then he showed me the little church where dogs can marry and also an office  where they can divorce!? This was too much, I had to investigate so I went to the divorce office.

Psychiatric help

“My dog wants a divorce!” I told the man at the desk.?The man smiled: “Wait, before we do that, why don’t we see what is wrong in the relationship?” he said.? “I know what is wrong,” I said, “his wife is a bitch!” ?The man looked at me as if I was the crazy one.? “Listen, we have dog psychiatrists here who will know what is wrong and they can try to resolve the problem, if they can, before we consider divorce.”? I couldn’t believe that that man thought that it was the dogs who needed psychiatric help!

I was really enjoying myself: “OK,” I said, “but if they divorce, is the separation period two years like for humans? Because that’s 10 years for a dog! ”?His answer was magical: “Well, we hope that doesn’t happen, divorce can be very traumatic for dogs, especially for the puppies. How many puppies have they produced?” I couldn’t resist:?“Two,” I said, “Napoleon and Shakespeare and I’m worried too, especially for Napoleon. He’s a very sensitive little guy, you know. So who would get custody of the puppies?” ?The man looked sad: “Well, usually they stay with their mother, I think that’s the best thing.” ?I nodded sadly: “Yes, I think it’s the best thing too.”? Mark came into the shop.

The problem with Mark...

“Come on John, I need a hamburger! ”?The man in the shop and I were horrified: ?“What?” I said, “Bonzo and his wife are close to divorce and all you can think about is your stomach!” ?“What are you talking about?” he asked.?I looked at the man in the shop sadly: “He’s in denial,” I said.?

We left the shop and Mark didn’t talk to me for about 15 minutes. In that time I asked myself many questions. Who decides when dogs marry? The dogs?? Where do they meet? Are there nightclubs for single dogs?? This would not surprise me at all: anything can happen in America.? And who pays for the wedding? The father of the bitch?

Our feline friends...

And what about cats? Can they marry too? I think marriage would be difficult for a cat. They are so independent. I imagined the divorce office for cats with a long queue of angry cats.? And what if the dog is a muslim? Does that mean the bitch has to wear a burka??I wanted to talk to one of the dog psychiatrists. I wanted to know what the main cause of divorce was. I guessed it was adultery.

The worst things...

But what worried me most was this place, where dogs can marry and divorce and buy cakes for their weddings, was also a country with the biggest nuclear  missile collection in the world.

Glossary

to show me around - per farmi vedere la città.
bakery - pasticceria.
wedding cake - torta di nozze.
proudly - con orgoglio.
desk - scrivania.
a bitch - una stronza (gioco di parole con il significato primario della parola: cagna).
puppies - cuccioli.
sensitive little guy - è un piccolo molto sensibile.
he’s in denial - fa finta di niente, rimuove il problema. È un modo di dire molto usato in America che indica il rifiuto di affrontare un certo problema facendo finta che non ci sia.
a long queue - una lunga fila.

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