My Personal War on Terror

Language level: lower-intermediate

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I want to talk about a very serious international problem.?There is a very dangerous group of people in the world. They dedicate their lives to keeping us afraid. They work while we sleep, inventing more modern ways to terrify us. ?I don’t know what they are called in Arabic, but in English they are called dentists!?I am afraid of dentists.

I always have been and I hoped the dentists in Italy were kinder than those in England. They are almost the same, except for maybe the price: terror is more expensive here.?I am convinced that dentists are sadists and that’s why every time I go the dentist I always say the same thing immediately: “If you don’t hurt me, I won’t hurt you.”

In this way we understand each other from the start.? If you don’t think they are sadists, then tell me why they put all their instruments of torture directly in front of our faces!? Put them behind me!? And if you look closely, there is one in the middle... a terrifying, twisted piece of metal that they never use! It is only there to keep us terrified and add to their fun.

Language

Then they have that secret language that only they understand.

For example: I was sitting in the chair with my head up. In my mouth I noticed both hands of the dentist, both hands of his assistant, and a little mirror. When my mouth was completely full, he asked: “So, where did you go for your holidays?”?Now my mother always said: “If somebody asks you a question, you answer them!”?So I did.?“Uhwwah hahww hahw,” I said.?“Aaaah, Greece!” he answered, “I like that country!”?He understood me!

Incredible

Then came the most incredible part.?My mouth was open, my tooth was open and the nerve was exposed. At this point, he turns on the drill. Then he says: “If you feel pain, raise your hand.”?Raise my hand!?I am not an aggressive or paranoid person – at least I don’t think I am – but dentists make me very nervous and I am suspicious of them.?

That light, for example, the one on his head. Do you really think it’s to see better into your mouth? No, they are secretly filming you, and then late at night all the dentists meet with popcorn and beer and laugh together all night at our terrified faces. I’m sure of it!

Magic

After the injection to freeze my gums came the magic fluid.?It is no coincidence that dentists’ assistants are always very pretty. This is so we men try to talk to them sweetly, to distract us from the torture. That is why they put the magic fluid there. It is the last cruel joke before you leave.?“Ok, rinse your mouth,” says the dentist and so you drink, rinse, then spit.

Then, just as you are about to say, “so, do you live near here?” to the pretty assistant you realise that long strings of saliva are hanging from your mouth, like a rabid bulldog. Add that to the fact that your lips are paralysed from the injection and your sweet phrase comes out “Shho, duyyu liff nirrir?” while pulling the endless saliva strings from your mouth, like a drunk magician.?

Then the bill came. “Jeshush! Sho much!!” I shouted. Then, in front of the pretty girl, I said something they – and I – will never forget.?I wanted to say “I need to sit,” but you can imagine how that phrase came out... I hope so because I’m certainly not going to tell you!

Glossary

to keeping us afraid - a tenerci in uno stato di paura.
if you don’t hurt me... - se non fai male a me....
twisted - ritorto.
add to their fun - per divertirsi di più.
he turns on the drill - accende il trapano.
raise your hand - alza la mano.
to freeze my gums - per anestetizzare le gengive.
rinse your mouth - sciacqui la bocca.
strings - fili.
rabid - rabbioso.
a drunk magician - un mago ubriaco.
bill - conto.

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