Chapter 15 - Italian Girls

Italian girls

Language level: intermediate


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The food in Italy is the best in the world, but I couldn’t eat.
I had a very comfortable bed, but I couldn’t sleep.
That’s right, I was in love.
It was only a question of time: these Italian women were just so beautiful, so feminine and so sensual.
Anyway, her name was Concetta and she was from Puglia. I had no idea where that was, of course, but I imagined it was a heavenly place, a place full of beautiful, happy people, all so grateful that Concetta Pironti had been born there.

Meet Mike

Mike Davis knew Italy very well and he knew Italian women very well because he had married one.
He came to my office at 9.30 to speak to me.
“Hello Michael, what a beautiful day it is today!”
“Oh no, so it’s true. You’re in love!”
“Oh, Michael, what a delicate flower love is, don’t you agree?”
“God, John! You sound like Oscar Wilde! Stop it!”
“So, what can I do for you on this splendid, sunny day?”
“It’s raining, John,” he answered.
“Then there will a rainbow!” I declared.

A word of warning

Michael sat at my desk and spoke: “John, I have to warn you about Italian women. OK, they are beautiful it’s true, they take care of you and yes, they squeeze the black heads on your nose, but that’s only when they love you! because when they hate you, they are a nightmare!”
“I don’t believe you!” I protested.
“You must! They are psychological terrorists, my friend! I must save you.” 
I asked for an example:
“OK, let’s say you ask an Englishwoman “What’s the problem?” And she answers “Nothing.” What does that mean?”
This was a stupid question, but I was in love so I answered: “Nothing”
“Exactly! now let’s say you ask an Italian woman, “What’s wrong?” If she says “nothing,” it means you’re in serious trouble!”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes, and that’s not all... then you have the sex strike!”
“The sex strike?”
“Exactly. Last week we had an argument  that cost me four days of silence. Four nights on the sofa, with the cat.”
“Poor cat! Why did you argue?”
“Because we went to a ‘Latino Americano’ party.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s the most perverted, disgusting ‘dance’ you will ever see and it’s very  fashionable here.”
“Really?” I asked. I knew that Concetta loved Latin American dancing so I was particularly interested.
Michael explained what it was.

On the dance floor

“We walked in and after two minutes a large South American gorilla took my wife. He put his legs in between her legs and then moved like an animal…with music!”
“Really? Is it so intimate?”
Michael moved closer to me:
“John, I haven’t got proof, but I am sure that at least three girls left the dance floor pregnant that night!”
Could this be true? Does my beautiful Concetta let strange men  molest her to music?
“So what did you do?” I asked.
“I pulled the gorilla away from my wife!”
“Good!” I said.
“No, John, not good because this made my wife very angry. She said: ‘I thought I was married to an Englishman but you’re not English! You’re Sicilian!’”
“And what did you say Michael?”
Michael looked at me and half smiled: “I said ‘No, baby, because in Sicily they would kill you for doing that... and you know why? Because a Sicilian is an Englishman that has evolved!”

Not my Concetta!

I asked Michael to leave and, as I looked through the window, I asked myself why Michael would tell me such a ridiculous story. Then it was clear: “He’s jealous!” But I understood him, because Concetta was mine, all mine.


Glossary


heavenly - paradisiaco.
rainbow - arcobaleno.
I have to warn you - devo metterti in guardia.
they take care of you - si prendono cura di te.
they squeeze the black heads on your nose - ti strizzano i punti neri dal naso.
nightmare - incubo.
you’re in serious trouble - sei nei guai seri.
sex strike - sciopero del sesso.
we had an argument - abbiamo litigato.
fashionable - di moda.
I haven’t got proof - non ho le prove.
pregnant - incinte.


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